This Makes Me Happy, But Shouldn't

I don't know how to post a video so click on this. (Thanks, Dave for sharing.)

I know I said I don't like Talking Heads covers, but this one is in reference to the title of my blog as well as my favorite Talking Heads song. I can be a real hypocrite sometimes.

For instance, when I'm a pedestrian, I believe I have the right to cross the street whenever I want (within reason) and I yell at cars, but when I'm driving in a car, I also believe I have the right of way and then I yell at pedestrians. It's a tough way of life.

My Bad.

So, apparently http://www.bestbuddies.com/ is an actual organization. Not only is it an active organization, it's one for really good people who want to help out kids with Down Syndrome.



Here I am, bitching about my silly love life, potentially to people I don't even know, and the Tom Bradys of the world are out there giving their time and support to kids who were born with a severely life-altering disease. It's just too rich.



Thanks, Kate for bringing this to my attention. Now I feel even worse than I did when I was bitching.



P.S. I looked for a picture of Tom Brady contributing to the cause like Kate says he does, but I found this other Brady who has also supported the cause for 10 years.

Everyone Is Doing It (Part IV) or Everyone Sucks

So a little over 5 hours later, I'm ready to write.

Here's what I know:

- If a guy likes you and wants to see you, they will call and make plans to see you.

- When people tell you not to make the first contact when you're wondering if he likes you and wants to see you, they're 100% correct and you should listen to them instead of doing it anyway as if it's a secret and no one will ever know you did it.

- If you're spending a good amount of time with a guy who you have a bunch in common with, and he smiles when you're around and likes to hold hands even when you're just hanging out at home, it doesn't mean he likes you and it's very likely that he'll stop calling within one week.

In the words of Cher Horowitz, "Did my hair get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? What's wrong with me?!"

I simply do not understand the turn of events here. He introduced me to his best friends, then told me that they asked him not to "screw this one up" because they like me. He met my cousins and legitimately spent time talking to each of them. He told me I'm pretty. We've had sleepovers. He feels comfortable with me because we come from the same place.

One night, he decides he needs to tell me that we should "slow things down." After he spends some time explaining himself, I do an evil girl Jedi trick and mince his words to become "I'm not attracted to you and I jut want to be friends." I get embarassed and kind of upset, then tell him how I've interpreted what he's saying. Apparently that's not what he was saying at all. He just wants to become friends before we're all of the sudden officially "dating." Whatever, sure buddy.

I run his request by several of my male friends, coworkers and family members. Every single one of them says it's weird and that guys don't operate like that. Clearly, I have no friggin' clue how guys operate, but I agree with them.

We stopped kissing when we would see each other for the first time. We hang out with groups of friends. We still hang out until late, but no sleepovers occur.

Now you're up to date.

How am I feeling about this, you ask? I'm feeling annoyed, frustrated, confused and obviously now bitter and pissy enough to write on my blog. I didn't pay $59.95 to sign up for "BestBuddies.com." I have lots of friends. In fact, my friend roster is somewhat full now that I have bi-coastal (despite there being no coast here) groups of friends. If I were to meet him and his friends under a "friendly" circumstance rather than what was supposed to be a clearly romantic one, I would have had to think hard about whether or not he would make the cut. I have several friends on the bench as it is, and I'm not in the market to do any trades yet.

So here I am...I went on a date with someone else to spite him, and did it make me feel so much better about myself? No. That guy fixes cars, can't spell and definitely shaves his back and I could already tell that HE was judging ME!

I'm just a chick who wants to spend time with a guy I like so I can stop being annoyed by happy couples I encounter. I want to bake him something that he really likes and go on random road trips. I want to not be embarassed by the way he dances because I think it's endearing and I want to have inside jokes that make other people uncomfortable. Is that so much to friggin' ask?!?

F you, BestBuddies.com. (click there)

Everyone Is Doing It (Part III)

Alright. Here's the deal. I went on date #2 about three weeks ago. I started a post about that date and him in general and it was boring. I'm not ready to write bitterly about it yet because it's not necesarrily over.


However, I can tell you this. He pissed me off on Friday when I texted to see if he might want to hang out at some point over the weekend. He replied, "I have plans on Saturday, but maybe Sunday." Screw you. "Maybe Sunday." ?? The last thing I want to be is a girl you aren't that psyched to hang out with. I didn't reply to his lame text and instead started texting with another guy with whom I had emailed enough to exchange phone numbers.


We'll call him "Billy." Billy's profile pictures were smokin'. One kind of looked like Adrian Grenier, who happens to be in my top 3 celebrity crushes (Matt Damon and Gabriel Garcia Bernal filling out the roster, in case you were wondering.) Those pictures were enough to offset his really short, misspelled profile.

We decided to meet up at a local bar and grab a drink. He's the definition of "tall, dark and handsome." He's also kind of the definition of "I know I'm tall, dark and handsome." He's a race car mechanic, and he's super psyched about it. He has his last name tattooed on the back of his neck. I'm pretty sure he checked out a few girls at the bar while I was talking. But what pretty blue eyes!


We bar-hopped for a few more beverages. He's the kind of guy I'm pretty psyched to be entering a bar with. If I saw a girl walk in with him, I'd probably think, "That girl is not that cute and probably a bitch." Just being honest.


Not-that-long-of-a-story made shorter for dignity purposes, he didn't like Alfie and didn't try to pretend he did. Other things went wrong, too, and I'm pretty sure that's where the story of Jessie and Billy ends.


Still no word from the guy who pissed me off. Right when I feel like I'm en fuego, I realize I'm really more like some smoldering coals. But don't I have the cutest kitten? He's a great cuddler too.

Is It Unnatural to Have Lust for Furniture?

I'm short of breath. I...I......I don't know how I will continue to live my life without this desk and chair. Do I have mulitple parking tickets to pay off? Yes. Do I have to save to get my poor, unassuming kitten's manliness chopped off? Sure. Did I just agree to take on a second rent at a mountain home and need to buy a ski pass and skis? Absolutely.

Have I already called and begged the seller to call me immediately because I got paid today for writing my blog and playing Scrabble online for a month? You betcha.

Everyone Is Doing It (cont'd)

I kind of thought that this would be easier. I thought that I had essentially just paid $59.95 (plus the cost of hours of online "shopping") for a shiny new boyfriend. It's just not the case.

After about two weeks of searching, judging, reading, looking, judging and projecting my own happily-ever-after fantasies on the maximum number of men match.com would let me view, I got a real bite.

His name was cryptic, his email title was creative, his eyes were dark and captivating. We met up for dinner in my neighborhood, which turned out to be his also. His house was right on my daily walking/running route, and I hadn't known I'd been running right past him every day. I thought, "What a sweet story to tell our grandkids." He's a lawyer. He fights for social rights. He's passionate, sarcastic and funny.

Four dates, a makeout sesh, a concert and an invitation to one of his big public hearings later, he disappeared into thin air. No answer to the last text, no follow-through with weekend plan making. There he was, gone. I called every single one of my close friends, my mom and my brother and recounted the story over and over. I cried and went over every possible thing I could have done to make him evaporate. They all tried to convince me that it wasn't my fault and that he was probably just a jerk (or a eunich, in the case of my imaginative mother.)I took their advice and kind words and stored them in the back pocket of a pair of jeans I knew I wouldn't wear for weeks. I was down. I was sure it was hopeless, that I would most likely never find anyone reliable and honest who would also want to allow me their undying devotion and attention. It was the proverbial hangover that the otherwise joyful tonic that is vodka leaves behind.

Then, as quickly as it all happened, it was over! I remembered that it had only been three weeks since I had enrolled in givemeloveimmediatelyordie.com, and I had only even known the guy for two weeks! I realized that not only did I overreact and slather him in girlfriend vibes, I led myself to believe that I knew him well and that we were really good for each other. Like the relief of untying a stubborn knot, I had actually figured it out. I scared the shit out of him and he straight up ran away. It was a matter of survival for the poor soul.

I knew I'd step into the next date-tionship a little calmer and a little wiser. No need to rush things. I knew I'd keep in mind that I don't really know these men, no matter how many times I read (between the lines) their profiles and pour over their photos. I got back on the horse, and winked my little heart out all over that site.

I had a date in less than a week.

....stay tuned.....

Everyone Is Doing It.

I moved across the country and left many of my good friends, family members and dissipated old bastard flames behind. Six months into my Colorado endeavor, having lost my job and found myself still single, I made the leap.

I joined an internet dating site. I paid $59.95 for a three month subscription on match.com so I could "expand my friend circle" and "meet new people."

Backtrack for a second...It was 4th of July, my favorite holiday. I got dressed up, had some strong cocktails, straightened my hair, fixed the face, (unfortunately, yes, in this order) and headed out on the town with a few of my favorite happy couples. Not only were the fireworks not set off over any body of water, as I like them to be, we missed them altogether. Like everyone else, we herded into one of my less favored and crowded bars downtown. Girls were wearing things that didn't even qualify as garments. They were groping big, sweaty guys who were wearing purposefully vintage t-shirts and sandals that double as bottle openers. Naturally, I drank more vodka, and started up a game of shuffleboard, hoping to attract a fellow shuffler, perhaps even a male one with a purposefully vintage t-shirt on.

Yada yada yada...clearly, it doesn't end that way. I leave the bar, leaking tears of frustration with a splash of cranberry and extra lime. Someone else's boyfriend (whom I happen to love) tells me I'm beautiful and shouldn't be crying.

Fast forward to July 5th, 11 am. You'll find me in an actual vintage (read: "old") t-shirt and sweatpants entering my debit card number into said internet dating service's website. I surprised myself, waking up with the drive and will to fix the issue myself instead of the regular old temporary cure of bad fashion tv and toast. I was awake and on a mission to...shop online for my soul mate?

Like vodka, online dating makes you feel good about yourself for a solid period of time. Here you are, flipping through pictures of men (ha, "men") exploiting themselves in hopes of attracting the right girl, and you have the power to skip past them, one after the other. "He's too young." and "This guy seems like a dweeb!" coupled with a "Yeah, right buddy." and maybe a bit of "I'm so sure you're 5'10" creates a new, unfamiliar sense of self-righteousness.

I "wink" at the ones who are lucky enough to have written something clever, had a picture of themselves with a baby or a puppy, be over 6 feet tall AND not intimidate me with their pure stereotypical Colorado athleticism. I even email them if they say something extremely relevant to my search in my mate of the soul.

Some aren't as lucky. One looks exactly like my grandfather did when he was 50. One has a user name of "LonelyGamer." One says he "NEVER gets up later than 8 am, uses the Lord's name in vain, drinks, smokes, or admits (he's) wrong." I'm looking down at these poor souls from my pedestal, thinking, "You poor souls." Until the next day.

Weird, he looked at my profile (you can see when someone looks at your profile on this site) and he didn't wink back...OR email?! Strange, he got my email, and wrote back "No, thanks." WTF?!?! I go back through my pictures to make sure none of them mislead these poor souls to think I'm fat, ugly, a lush, have hotter friends than me, am obsessed with something strange...nope, none of them do. I delete the part of my profile that reads, "Toyota Tacomas are hot; really strappy man sandals are not," in case I've led them to believe that a) I'm materialistic about cars and/or b) don't understand that all guys in Colorado have to wear strappy sandals at some point while they're rafting/paragliding/wakeboarding/hiking in a river.

I feel down. I feel like I'm being judged by people who don't even know me! These guys haven't even met me, and they're not giving me a chance to let me shine my internal sunshine on their lives?! What gives? I change my search to include ages 25 and 34, guys who are bald, and might carry "a few extra pounds", and I change my distance requirement to a 100 mile radius. There, that should fix it.

I'm up again! Really cute guy emailed me! He thinks my profile is funny and that I have a nice smile. He went to Bates, and is from Maine, small world! I know people from Bates...I list them. All of them. He doesn't write back. Shit.

Ugh, guys are so dumb. It's like they all attended a match.com profile-writing seminar and took the same notes. "I'm a pretty laid back guy. I spend most of my time outdoors, mainly rock climbing, mountain biking and snowboarding in the winter. I like to go out for a few drinks downtown, but I also like staying in to snuggle up to a good movie." If I had a nickel for every time I saw those sentences in a profile! Come on, intrigue me! You've GOT to have something better than that to say. I'm up again. I'm funny and smart and unique, and these guys are lame and can't find cool girls to date them so they are forced to go onto a site to trick girls into at least going on one date. Ha. Guys are such idiots.

...to be continued...