Everyone Is Doing It.

I moved across the country and left many of my good friends, family members and dissipated old bastard flames behind. Six months into my Colorado endeavor, having lost my job and found myself still single, I made the leap.

I joined an internet dating site. I paid $59.95 for a three month subscription on match.com so I could "expand my friend circle" and "meet new people."

Backtrack for a second...It was 4th of July, my favorite holiday. I got dressed up, had some strong cocktails, straightened my hair, fixed the face, (unfortunately, yes, in this order) and headed out on the town with a few of my favorite happy couples. Not only were the fireworks not set off over any body of water, as I like them to be, we missed them altogether. Like everyone else, we herded into one of my less favored and crowded bars downtown. Girls were wearing things that didn't even qualify as garments. They were groping big, sweaty guys who were wearing purposefully vintage t-shirts and sandals that double as bottle openers. Naturally, I drank more vodka, and started up a game of shuffleboard, hoping to attract a fellow shuffler, perhaps even a male one with a purposefully vintage t-shirt on.

Yada yada yada...clearly, it doesn't end that way. I leave the bar, leaking tears of frustration with a splash of cranberry and extra lime. Someone else's boyfriend (whom I happen to love) tells me I'm beautiful and shouldn't be crying.

Fast forward to July 5th, 11 am. You'll find me in an actual vintage (read: "old") t-shirt and sweatpants entering my debit card number into said internet dating service's website. I surprised myself, waking up with the drive and will to fix the issue myself instead of the regular old temporary cure of bad fashion tv and toast. I was awake and on a mission to...shop online for my soul mate?

Like vodka, online dating makes you feel good about yourself for a solid period of time. Here you are, flipping through pictures of men (ha, "men") exploiting themselves in hopes of attracting the right girl, and you have the power to skip past them, one after the other. "He's too young." and "This guy seems like a dweeb!" coupled with a "Yeah, right buddy." and maybe a bit of "I'm so sure you're 5'10" creates a new, unfamiliar sense of self-righteousness.

I "wink" at the ones who are lucky enough to have written something clever, had a picture of themselves with a baby or a puppy, be over 6 feet tall AND not intimidate me with their pure stereotypical Colorado athleticism. I even email them if they say something extremely relevant to my search in my mate of the soul.

Some aren't as lucky. One looks exactly like my grandfather did when he was 50. One has a user name of "LonelyGamer." One says he "NEVER gets up later than 8 am, uses the Lord's name in vain, drinks, smokes, or admits (he's) wrong." I'm looking down at these poor souls from my pedestal, thinking, "You poor souls." Until the next day.

Weird, he looked at my profile (you can see when someone looks at your profile on this site) and he didn't wink back...OR email?! Strange, he got my email, and wrote back "No, thanks." WTF?!?! I go back through my pictures to make sure none of them mislead these poor souls to think I'm fat, ugly, a lush, have hotter friends than me, am obsessed with something strange...nope, none of them do. I delete the part of my profile that reads, "Toyota Tacomas are hot; really strappy man sandals are not," in case I've led them to believe that a) I'm materialistic about cars and/or b) don't understand that all guys in Colorado have to wear strappy sandals at some point while they're rafting/paragliding/wakeboarding/hiking in a river.

I feel down. I feel like I'm being judged by people who don't even know me! These guys haven't even met me, and they're not giving me a chance to let me shine my internal sunshine on their lives?! What gives? I change my search to include ages 25 and 34, guys who are bald, and might carry "a few extra pounds", and I change my distance requirement to a 100 mile radius. There, that should fix it.

I'm up again! Really cute guy emailed me! He thinks my profile is funny and that I have a nice smile. He went to Bates, and is from Maine, small world! I know people from Bates...I list them. All of them. He doesn't write back. Shit.

Ugh, guys are so dumb. It's like they all attended a match.com profile-writing seminar and took the same notes. "I'm a pretty laid back guy. I spend most of my time outdoors, mainly rock climbing, mountain biking and snowboarding in the winter. I like to go out for a few drinks downtown, but I also like staying in to snuggle up to a good movie." If I had a nickel for every time I saw those sentences in a profile! Come on, intrigue me! You've GOT to have something better than that to say. I'm up again. I'm funny and smart and unique, and these guys are lame and can't find cool girls to date them so they are forced to go onto a site to trick girls into at least going on one date. Ha. Guys are such idiots.

...to be continued...